It’s been extremely hard for me to pen anything these days. Having gone through too much, regardless of the wonderful ideas I have in mind, I can’t seem to work on an article to the end. I have so many drafts, so many un finished articles.

Today, I realized that while carrying a lot in my heart, I needed to go back to my therapy. I needed to write about how exactly it feels and for the people who caused it know what kind of being they are.

One, I am an extremely transparent person. I cannot hide my feelings. You will read it in my face. If I am happy, sad or annoyed. It just shows. That said, I’d like to take a look on what being what  transparent and giving everything to people did to me.

I was never selfish. Never been and never would be actually. I share almost everything to people I trust- unfortunately I trust way too easy. I have given people more than what they deserve.

For one- I made a way for some to reach a certain status. To look good and have stuff without being troubled for it. Let’s face it- and let’s give the credit to where it’s due. I think I’ve been way too kind to let others take credit on things I paved way for or worked hard for.

Funny how people change after that. You get taken out of context once you say something that irks one and naturally owing something from them makes you forget all the things one has done for you from way way back. I guess that’s how life really is.

Perhaps at the back of their mind they thought that I will not notice, I will not find out but I think they have completely forgotten what my IQ score is. You see it’s painful to see how a very humble and genuinely nice person gets swayed by people around. The word I gave before to attest on how kind you once were are being questioned. Then again you’ve forgotten all those right? And its not as if you asked– just that I had faith in you when I told you what was done to me. I know more than I show-believe me. Loyalty is a priority, trust me but maybe it does not exist to some and thank you for teaching me that.

Next on helping— teaching others about things you’ve mastered— it could’ve been a symbiotic relationship until I found out how they cross borders. You are supposed to stay on your lane not crossing mine- because after all we are supposed to co exist not you getting people on my list.

Then there are people you’ve showered with big things and small things. You even make a way to adjust your plans and celebrations only to find out you were dropped last minute-wondering why when you only genuinely loved them?

There are those who simply are cruel— to the point where they bad mouth me in front of people I barely even know. Yes, I can talk really really loud- so? Are you even reserved to begin with? Yes- I’m referring to you. Why do you have to talk about me in front of your clients? one we are not on the same line. If you don’t like me how can you suck up the idea of pretending to be nice when I’m around— unless you’ve perfected the art of doing so. For the record- you don’t have to take a side swipe on me on social media because I am not forcing myself in from day 1, that I’m certain you know cos from the beginning you were rooting for someone else and never did I try to persuade you into changing your mind.

There are those you trust with money— who makes up excuses when time comes. I wasn’t born yesterday- an amount swiped thru a card terminal will not take a year to be credited. I have given you the benefit of the doubt— too long to be honest it’s been more than a year and to this day you haven’t given me the 300,000 remaining. The fact that you agreed on it— means it’s your responsibility. Either you don’t have a heart or you are a pro at this. I told you I’m a single mom and that’s for my son.

There’s no denying that this on top of the father of my child’s harassment caused me to have anxiety attacks, depression to the point where I wanted to stop living. I’ve only showered these people love and affection.

Today I have asked my mother to prepare packs for 100 families. An annual thing I started 2 years back– started from 30 to 55 now we are working on giving food packs to 100 families. I work so hard not only for myself but to be able to spread what little I have to those who appreciates it.
Pain is inevitable indeed but suffering is a choice. So the burden is to be carried by those whose cruelty make others feel they are not worthy– so don’t give in.

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